I
remember the first day I met Ryan I imagined us having children together.
I remember it because it surprised me. What I didn’t realize until years
later is that I always subconsciously knew my other relationships were going to
end because I never could imagine myself having children with anyone.
Ryan is the one and only person I have ever wanted to start a family with.
That’s how I knew he was ‘the one’.
Fast
forward to Ryan and I getting engaged. The joy and celebration of that
day was a joy and celebration of the beginning of our happily-ever-after.
Being a mom had always been my vision of happily-ever-after. However, over
the course of my relationship with Ryan, my vision of happily-ever-after
progressed from becoming a mom to becoming a family.
I
was very prepared when it came to planning the conception. It wasn’t
going to happen before our July wedding. Technically we could have
started trying in August but I didn’t want to have a baby in the summer (I
always enjoyed bringing cupcakes to school for my birthdays). That took
away trying in August, September, or October. Then I got my mind set on
having a September baby. What could be better than having another little
Virgo running around the house?? A September due date required a December
conception date. And so it was decided!
My
anxiety started the day I took the pregnancy test. Before that excitement hadn’t
left any room for anxiety. January 14th, 2010. It’s easy to remember the
day because it’s the same day we closed escrow on our first home.
Although it was an exciting day, I spent the whole day preoccupied with getting
my period. I was waiting and waiting and waiting. As the day went
on, the anxiety started creeping in. My first thought about buying a
pregnancy test and I was already getting overwhelmed by the significance of the
moment. I was keenly aware my lifetime of waiting was all cumulating on
this very first step. The thought was too big. That’s why the
anxiety began. The anxiety grew throughout the day. For some
reason I decided to keep quiet about the ‘situation’. I didn’t want to
tell Ryan. Looking back I think I did this as an attempt to keep a lid on
my fear. Saying something out loud would make it real and I wasn’t ready
for real. For whatever reason, I decided to go through these first few
steps quietly.
I
bought the pregnancy test after work and took the test in our apartment bathroom.
After peeing on the stick I put it under the sink and covered it with a piece
of toilet paper so I could slowly pull it off to see the result. It was a
digital test to avoid any confusion. The directions said it would take up
to 2 minutes for the results to show. Oh contrare! As I was
covering the stick with the toilet paper square, I saw the word Pregnant
stamped across the screen!
Wait,
what? The moment I’ve been waiting for literally my whole life. But
I didn’t feel the immediate joy I had imagined all those years. Instead I
would describe my initial reaction as shock. And the shock lasted a
while. Lord only knows how long I stayed in that bathroom trying to
absorb the new information I had just uncovered (both literally and figuratively!).
I know I walked out of the bathroom with the stick in the back pocket on my
jeans. Ryan was sitting on the couch. He was saying something about
curtains. I blurted out, “I’m pregnant.” He said “What?” (which
coincidently is what I had just said quietly to myself about 5,000 times before
exiting the bathroom). I think I repeated my original comment but what I
remember next isn’t about words, it’s about expression. I remember
watching Ryan’s face light up the moment the information hit him. After
all this time that’s still one of the most vivid memories I have when I think
back to this day.
Pretty
much instantly Ryan was happy and excited. But I still hadn’t hit happy
yet. The reality was starting to wash over me like a wave and happy wasn’t
on my radar yet. Shock gradually gave way to surprise and disbelief.
Which may be another way of describing the same thing, I’m not sure.
Either way at some point while we were both staring at the now infamous “stick”,
the reality of my fantasy hit me.
About
two and a half minutes into my very first MOMumental Moment and I’m already
crying. (It will be an ongoing theme throughout the course of this blog.)
However, these were not the tears of joy I had expected them to be. These
tears came from a deep, pit-of-your-stomach, feeling of fear. I was
scared shitless.
The
fear eventually subsided and I spent the next 9 months obsessing over my
pregnancy and anxiously awaiting the birth of my daughter. There are
several more MOMumental Moments to come during the pregnancy but those are to
be discussed at a later time. For now I’m going to go scoop up my
little bambino, smother her with love, and enjoy the moment for what it really
is… the moment I’ve been waiting for all my life. =)
