Can You Hear Me Now?

I love projects.  Whether it’s preparing for an upcoming holiday or planning the next birthday party, I like having a purpose. Something to focus on. Something I can eventually cross off my "List” as something I’ve done. Only problem being, I can’t multi-task. 

I can’t plan the ultimate bridal shower with an oh-so-clever theme of ‘Cupcakes & Cocktails’ AND create a kick-ass science unit on plants and animals.  I have to choose. Do I inspire the next Steve Erwin but serve boxed wine and Ralph’s cupcakes at the shower?  Or do I throw on a NatGeo video and sit in the back of the classroom attaching red, sparkly “cherries” to the top of each cupcake-shaped place card? 

All of this leads me to my latest obsession.  Unlike birthday parties and bridal showers, this new project was unexpected.  However sudden, my new venture has taken priority over all else.  Google better be ready because Camille is becoming..... wait for it.... a human-ear expert!  H.E.E. :)

Campbell had a follow-up appointment at the pediatric E.N.T yesterday.  She has been several times in the last few months due to her constant congestion, ear infections, and loud breathing.  The loud breathing turned out to be large adenoids (whatever those are) which isn’t a big deal.  The constant congestion is most likely caused by her exposure to viruses at daycare.  And apparently the ear infections are caused by fluid getting trapped behind her eardrum.  From what I’ve been able to understand thus far, there are three main problems with getting constant ear infections at a young age. 

1) It’s not good to be on antibiotics all the time (GI problems, medicine tolerance, etc). 
2) Middle ear infections temporarily impair hearing.  At this age hearing is like the number one most critical tool needed for speech and language development. 
3) Middle ear infections can lead to inner ear infections, which can permanently damage a child’s hearing.  

The last time we visited the pediatric ENT, Dr. Strocker, she said Campbell may benefit from getting ear tubes.  I should say, we were originally referred to Dr. Strocker to investigate the cause of her wheezing.  A few of the doctor’s from our pediatric group had suggested Campbell may have asthma and one doctor even prescribed her Albuteral.  I wasn’t convinced about the asthma diagnosis and I sure as hell wasn’t giving my 1-year-old Albuteral.  So when I was referred to Dr. Strocker for the noisy breathing issue, I was not expecting to begin a discussion on ear tubes. 

I made this perfect, little ear

But that’s where this path has taken us.  Fast forward to yesterday, I am now sitting on a folding chair with Campbell on my lap, staring at a computer screen that closely resembled the Apple I had back when I was playing Oregon Trail.  They put an earplug in her ear that attached to the computer via a cord.  The device measured the waves of her eardrum while we watched a line move across the computer screen directly in front of us.  The bar graph of Campbell’s hearing results from her left reminded me of what my contractions looked like at the beginning of labor.  The bar graph results from her right ear looked like it had been drawn with a ruler.  Perfectly straight. 

So when the audiologist pointed to the bar graph on the wall that resembled a mountain peak and said THAT was what we wanted to see- my heart sank.  For the next test Campbell sat on my lap inside a soundproof box.  There was a big speaker on each side of us and in front of us was a glass window where we could see the audiologist sitting on the other side.  Next to the window was a little toy dog that would yelp and jump whenever the audiologist hit a button.  Once the test got started I realized the dog was to lead Campbell’s attention back to the front after each of the tests. 

Besides the dog and the chair we were sitting on, everything in the box was black.  Noise would start coming out of one of the speakers. Softly and then louder and louder.  When Campbell would turn and look in that direction a box would illuminate and inside was a dancing band of Disney characters.  It was pretty cool, even for the 31 year old in the room! 

Campbell was loving every minute in that box.  She immediately understood the “game” and eagerly anticipated every noise.  Each time I started to hear sound I held my breath waiting for Campbell to hear it too. Every millisecond that went by between the time I heard sound and the time she heard sound was painful.  As the test progressed, so did my tears.  

My baby has a problem.  MY BABY.  And now I need to figure out how to help her. So the phone is off the hook and my scrapbooks have been pushed to the side.  Everything is going to wait.  Project 'Save the Baby' has begun.

Happily-Ever-After

Yesterday my baby turned 18 months old.  One-and-a-half years.  It’s hard to wrap my mind around that number.  I have looked forward to being a mom since I was probably 6 years old.  The older I got the closer I was to becoming “Mommy”.  Motherhood was the measuring stick to which everything compared.  In high school I figured I was still 8 to 12 years away from being a mom.  In college I hoped motherhood would come 2-3 years after graduation.  My future was defined by motherhood.

I remember the first day I met Ryan I imagined us having children together.  I remember it because it surprised me.  What I didn’t realize until years later is that I always subconsciously knew my other relationships were going to end because I never could imagine myself having children with anyone.  Ryan is the one and only person I have ever wanted to start a family with.  That’s how I knew he was ‘the one’.

Fast forward to Ryan and I getting engaged.  The joy and celebration of that day was a joy and celebration of the beginning of our happily-ever-after.  Being a mom had always been my vision of happily-ever-after.  However, over the course of my relationship with Ryan, my vision of happily-ever-after progressed from becoming a mom to becoming a family.

I was very prepared when it came to planning the conception.  It wasn’t going to happen before our July wedding.  Technically we could have started trying in August but I didn’t want to have a baby in the summer (I always enjoyed bringing cupcakes to school for my birthdays).  That took away trying in August, September, or October.  Then I got my mind set on having a September baby.  What could be better than having another little Virgo running around the house??  A September due date required a December conception date.  And so it was decided!

My anxiety started the day I took the pregnancy test. Before that excitement hadn’t left any room for anxiety.  January 14^th, 2010.  It’s easy to remember the day because it’s the same day we closed escrow on our first home.  Although it was an exciting day, I spent the whole day preoccupied with getting my period.  I was waiting and waiting and waiting.  As the day went on, the anxiety started creeping in.  My first thought about buying a pregnancy test and I was already getting overwhelmed by the significance of the moment.  I was keenly aware my lifetime of waiting was all cumulating on this very first step.  The thought was too big.  That’s why the anxiety began.  The anxiety grew throughout the day.   For some reason I decided to keep quiet about the ‘situation’.  I didn’t want to tell Ryan.  Looking back I think I did this as an attempt to keep a lid on my fear.  Saying something out loud would make it real and I wasn’t ready for real.  For whatever reason, I decided to go through these first few steps quietly.

I bought the pregnancy test after work and took the test in our apartment bathroom.  After peeing on the stick I put it under the sink and covered it with a piece of toilet paper so I could slowly pull it off to see the result.  It was a digital test to avoid any confusion.  The directions said it would take up to 2 minutes for the results to show.  Oh contrare!  As I was covering the stick with the toilet paper square, I saw the word Pregnant stamped across the screen! 

Wait, what?  The moment I’ve been waiting for literally my whole life.  But I didn’t feel the immediate joy I had imagined all those years.  Instead I would describe my initial reaction as shock.  And the shock lasted a while.  Lord only knows how long I stayed in that bathroom trying to absorb the new information I had just uncovered (both literally and figuratively!).  I know I walked out of the bathroom with the stick in the back pocket on my jeans.  Ryan was sitting on the couch.  He was saying something about curtains.  I blurted out, “I’m pregnant.”  He said “What?” (which coincidently is what I had just said quietly to myself about 5,000 times before exiting the bathroom).  I think I repeated my original comment but what I remember next isn’t about words, it’s about expression.  I remember watching Ryan’s face light up the moment the information hit him.  After all this time that’s still one of the most vivid memories I have when I think back to this day. 

Pretty much instantly Ryan was happy and excited.  But I still hadn’t hit happy yet.  The reality was starting to wash over me like a wave and happy wasn’t on my radar yet.  Shock gradually gave way to surprise and disbelief.  Which may be another way of describing the same thing, I’m not sure.  Either way at some point while we were both staring at the now infamous “stick”, the reality of my fantasy hit me.

About two and a half minutes into my very first MOMumental Moment and I’m already crying.  (It will be an ongoing theme throughout the course of this blog.)  However, these were not the tears of joy I had expected them to be.  These tears came from a deep, pit-of-your-stomach, feeling of fear.  I was scared shitless. 

The fear eventually subsided and I spent the next 9 months obsessing over my pregnancy and anxiously awaiting the birth of my daughter.  There are several more MOMumental Moments to come during the pregnancy but those are to be discussed at a later time.   For now I’m going to go scoop up my little bambino, smother her with love, and enjoy the moment for what it really is… the moment I’ve been waiting for all my life.    =)